I've been absent, so I'm sure you must realize that we didn't receive the news we hoped for last week.
I've been having a difficult time getting anything done. Not even feeling creative, even.
I feel like a big, worthless blob.
I contemplated closing down my blog, feeling ridiculous sharing these feelings...exposing myself.
I don't know why I keep writing.
I realize there are many others out there in my shoes. Aren't there? Or do most people only try to conceive a few years? Is this 8-year stretch entering bonkersville??
I started counseling last week. Doing so in French, so that will be a real hoot. I guess if I can get married in French, I can seek counseling in it, too.
I actually asked my husband to ask one of his sisters to carry our baby. The doctor seems to think I must have an attachment issue, so...you know your desperate when you start thinking of these things. But that's exactly what we are and desperate times do require desperate measures. I don't know if I've talked much about all the allergies to skincare I've developed since we've been doing these treatments. I actually am coming down from a reaction right now. It makes me feel just plain miserable.
I think I see the stop sign just beyond the bend.
Monday, January 24, 2011
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Hope
WARNING! UNINTENDED, FOR I HAD NO IDEA WHERE I WAS GOING WHEN I SAT DOWN TO WRITE THIS POST, BUT THERE IS A DEPICTION RECOUNTED BELOW THAT SOME MAY CONSIDER TO BE GRAPHIC.
I haven't talked much about the procedure we are still amidst.
Maybe I'm tired of talking...tired of thinking..tired of hurting.
It all makes you so tired... so lethargic... so angry.
I'm nearing the end of the gruesome 2-week wait. I'll have a blood test on Friday to see what another round of drugs and emotional trauma have yielded.
It's a painful mind game. My boobs are hard as a rock. I'm 37 years old and breaking out on my face, neck, back...you name it. My stomach is swollen, hence clothes are tight. I feel twitching, heat...the smallest thing and.... I'm excited. I don't want to be excited again and then let down.
My first IVF was a complete nightmare. I never have really talked about it.
Everything was initially going really well. We had 16 fertilized eggs and then the day we go in for transfer, the doctor sits us down, and very poorly I may add, conveys that everything took a turn for the worse. All 16 of them went bad.
The doctor tells us she would go ahead and transfer 2 for the heck of it because 'sometimes bad ones take'. Really? What a nightmare. We were very green then.
Despite having had every test in existence, none of which hinted at bad egg quality, she tells us the most probable culprit was probably my egg quality and we may never have children. She actually said that. We were frozen stiff with shock. Sure, we had been trying for years at that point, but my husband traveled a lot and we honestly thought it was our mounting age and never being together at the right time. We naively believed one IVF and we would be parents. We never in our wildest dreams envisioned something so horrid taking place.
Five minutes with that lady, and we were shooed out the door. No counseling, no moral support. Nada.
And to make matters worse, I had to proceed and actually walk around with those 2 basically dead embryos in me. Talk about trauma.
After that we didn't try making a baby for a very long time. No procedures, no nothing. Maybe a year and a half, two years went by...that's when we went the au naturel route and picked up Chinese medicine. We even packed up and flew to the West Coast to see a Chinese practitioner that had written a book we liked. He just wanted our money. We wasted time. I see that now.
It took us a lot of it to get back to a place where we had enough hope to dare to try again. We started with IUI's - lots of them. With injections. Each at 6-thousand dollars a pop.
That's when, for the first time in my life, I actually got pregnant. A glimmer of hope. But the baby died and au-naturel-me refused to have a D&C - that's the medical procedure where they scrape out the dead baby. Oh no, not me. I wanted to do it naturally.
Thing is, that baby was 10 weeks old.
I have never known physical pain like I knew the week or two that baby was working its way out of me. Most I have been able to let go...but the worst parts, I don't think will ever be forgotten.
I was sitting on the toilet that last day wishing for nothing less merciful than a swift death for myself. But then it was finally over. I remember feeling something squishy pass through me, like a jelly fish.
I didn't dare look.
I quickly flushed and I tried to move on best I could. My husband was out of town that night, but he stayed on the computer and listened to the whole thing. The best way he could support me at the time.
Because of this more brute method, there was no baby to test to try to understand what had gone wrong. At the time I thought it didn't matter. Bottom line - something was wrong and that sufficed...
2 months later we did another IUI with injections and I became pregnant again. Back at the 10-week mark, the baby's heartbeat stopped. It was agony beyond anything we could both bear.
This time we went the western medicine route and had the D&C performed. The result was what our doctor called 'bad luck'. The baby had too many chromosomes (69). A "mistake of nature", that evidently is more common the older a woman gets...something like 1 in 3 pregnancies for women in my age group.
The kicker, evidently most of these 'overly chromosomed babies' usually die more quickly. Like before a woman even realizes she is pregnant. Oh no, not my child. Handicapped and still a fighter. Made it 10 weeks. But I guess she helped re-instill the fighting power in me. It was a girl.
Those two pregnancies gave us the strength to be willing and able to try another IVF. That's when the decision to move to Belgium came into play. Like I mentioned, Belgians get 6 basically free rounds of IVF. And as you know, my husband is Belgian. And through him, I too am now Belgian.
So it took several months to get back into the system. Several more months to see the famous doctor we are now seeing. (Belgium is coincidentally known as one of the best countries in the world for IVF - even better than the US. Our Belgian doctor and his clinic invented the ICSI method, now used world-wide...)
We did our second IVF in September (first since we moved here to Belgium) and while we only had a handful of eggs fertilize, lo and behold one made it to day 5. It's a big deal. Here we were thinking my eggs must be completely kaput, and we have a 5-day embryo. It was the sole egg viable for transfer, but it alone had a 50% chance of pregnancy. It didn't take, but our hope did.
We waited 3 cycles for the next IVF. The clock is ticking, but my body needed a break. The ovaries swell and need time to get back to normal....And you know what? My IVF's just keep getting better and better. This time I had 3 embryos that could be transferred back. That for a lady that had zero the first time around.
It's pretty amazing.
I'll never forget the day we got the call letting us know there were embryos to transfer (the last 2 times we naturally feared a repeat of that first IVF). My husband stays pretty quiet most the time. But when he hung up that phone, the man actually got on his hands and knees and clasped his hands together in prayer. It chokes me up even now, because even though all this stuff is happening to my body, he too is facing the prospect of never bearing his own children. It's so tragic, really.
So now we are back to the present and I've just cleared my chest of all these yucky feelings.
But there is a moral to this story.
I hope those that have lost hope, like both my husband and I had, will see that this whole journey is about sustaining hope. Supporting each other. Finding solutions. Not giving up. Yes, there is a time we must relinquish the endeavor...sadly, not everyone will succeed. But darnnit! We've all got to try. We owe that much to ourselves.
I haven't talked much about the procedure we are still amidst.
Maybe I'm tired of talking...tired of thinking..tired of hurting.
It all makes you so tired... so lethargic... so angry.
I'm nearing the end of the gruesome 2-week wait. I'll have a blood test on Friday to see what another round of drugs and emotional trauma have yielded.
It's a painful mind game. My boobs are hard as a rock. I'm 37 years old and breaking out on my face, neck, back...you name it. My stomach is swollen, hence clothes are tight. I feel twitching, heat...the smallest thing and.... I'm excited. I don't want to be excited again and then let down.
My first IVF was a complete nightmare. I never have really talked about it.
Everything was initially going really well. We had 16 fertilized eggs and then the day we go in for transfer, the doctor sits us down, and very poorly I may add, conveys that everything took a turn for the worse. All 16 of them went bad.
The doctor tells us she would go ahead and transfer 2 for the heck of it because 'sometimes bad ones take'. Really? What a nightmare. We were very green then.
Despite having had every test in existence, none of which hinted at bad egg quality, she tells us the most probable culprit was probably my egg quality and we may never have children. She actually said that. We were frozen stiff with shock. Sure, we had been trying for years at that point, but my husband traveled a lot and we honestly thought it was our mounting age and never being together at the right time. We naively believed one IVF and we would be parents. We never in our wildest dreams envisioned something so horrid taking place.
Five minutes with that lady, and we were shooed out the door. No counseling, no moral support. Nada.
And to make matters worse, I had to proceed and actually walk around with those 2 basically dead embryos in me. Talk about trauma.
After that we didn't try making a baby for a very long time. No procedures, no nothing. Maybe a year and a half, two years went by...that's when we went the au naturel route and picked up Chinese medicine. We even packed up and flew to the West Coast to see a Chinese practitioner that had written a book we liked. He just wanted our money. We wasted time. I see that now.
It took us a lot of it to get back to a place where we had enough hope to dare to try again. We started with IUI's - lots of them. With injections. Each at 6-thousand dollars a pop.
That's when, for the first time in my life, I actually got pregnant. A glimmer of hope. But the baby died and au-naturel-me refused to have a D&C - that's the medical procedure where they scrape out the dead baby. Oh no, not me. I wanted to do it naturally.
Thing is, that baby was 10 weeks old.
I have never known physical pain like I knew the week or two that baby was working its way out of me. Most I have been able to let go...but the worst parts, I don't think will ever be forgotten.
I was sitting on the toilet that last day wishing for nothing less merciful than a swift death for myself. But then it was finally over. I remember feeling something squishy pass through me, like a jelly fish.
I didn't dare look.
I quickly flushed and I tried to move on best I could. My husband was out of town that night, but he stayed on the computer and listened to the whole thing. The best way he could support me at the time.
Because of this more brute method, there was no baby to test to try to understand what had gone wrong. At the time I thought it didn't matter. Bottom line - something was wrong and that sufficed...
2 months later we did another IUI with injections and I became pregnant again. Back at the 10-week mark, the baby's heartbeat stopped. It was agony beyond anything we could both bear.
This time we went the western medicine route and had the D&C performed. The result was what our doctor called 'bad luck'. The baby had too many chromosomes (69). A "mistake of nature", that evidently is more common the older a woman gets...something like 1 in 3 pregnancies for women in my age group.
The kicker, evidently most of these 'overly chromosomed babies' usually die more quickly. Like before a woman even realizes she is pregnant. Oh no, not my child. Handicapped and still a fighter. Made it 10 weeks. But I guess she helped re-instill the fighting power in me. It was a girl.
Those two pregnancies gave us the strength to be willing and able to try another IVF. That's when the decision to move to Belgium came into play. Like I mentioned, Belgians get 6 basically free rounds of IVF. And as you know, my husband is Belgian. And through him, I too am now Belgian.
So it took several months to get back into the system. Several more months to see the famous doctor we are now seeing. (Belgium is coincidentally known as one of the best countries in the world for IVF - even better than the US. Our Belgian doctor and his clinic invented the ICSI method, now used world-wide...)
We did our second IVF in September (first since we moved here to Belgium) and while we only had a handful of eggs fertilize, lo and behold one made it to day 5. It's a big deal. Here we were thinking my eggs must be completely kaput, and we have a 5-day embryo. It was the sole egg viable for transfer, but it alone had a 50% chance of pregnancy. It didn't take, but our hope did.
We waited 3 cycles for the next IVF. The clock is ticking, but my body needed a break. The ovaries swell and need time to get back to normal....And you know what? My IVF's just keep getting better and better. This time I had 3 embryos that could be transferred back. That for a lady that had zero the first time around.
It's pretty amazing.
I'll never forget the day we got the call letting us know there were embryos to transfer (the last 2 times we naturally feared a repeat of that first IVF). My husband stays pretty quiet most the time. But when he hung up that phone, the man actually got on his hands and knees and clasped his hands together in prayer. It chokes me up even now, because even though all this stuff is happening to my body, he too is facing the prospect of never bearing his own children. It's so tragic, really.
So now we are back to the present and I've just cleared my chest of all these yucky feelings.
But there is a moral to this story.
I hope those that have lost hope, like both my husband and I had, will see that this whole journey is about sustaining hope. Supporting each other. Finding solutions. Not giving up. Yes, there is a time we must relinquish the endeavor...sadly, not everyone will succeed. But darnnit! We've all got to try. We owe that much to ourselves.
Monday, January 10, 2011
Belgian legacy
Many may not realize Belgium is actually credited with more than frites, chocolat and bière.
The good ol' saxophone was invented here. Bill Clinton may have made the instrument notorious, but a Belgian brought her to life.
You can read all about Adolphe Sax here on Wikipedia.
Or better yet, see an American President Europe actually liked playing one:
The good ol' saxophone was invented here. Bill Clinton may have made the instrument notorious, but a Belgian brought her to life.
You can read all about Adolphe Sax here on Wikipedia.
Or better yet, see an American President Europe actually liked playing one:
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
Good tidings
Happy Holidays everyone!
Despite being amidst an IVF cycle, we still managed to enjoy ourselves this Holiday season. My first Christmas living in Belgium...
One of the best things about Europe for me is the delicious wines and champagne - so it really stunk to not be able to partake. We did, however, enjoy seeing family in Kortrijk - that's in Northern Belgium or 'Flanders', where my husband was born. And as always, we did a lot of marvelous eating. That's one American stereotype about Belgium that definitely pans out with my in-laws. They take their food very seriously. I think we eat gourmet here more than not (which by the way, Food and Wine just came out with their list of top recipes of all time - I just love that magazine. And their website is the best - I weekly turn to it for quick meal ideas. All of which are scrumptiously divine...They have a great search engine on their site where you can even plug in an ingredient (not sure what to do with that bag of carrots in the crisper?), and voilà! appears countless ideas....)...
In addition to the fine wines and food, I also really love the Christmas markets (referred to here as marchés de Noël).
Many towns put on a huge Christmas market in the town center, showcasing everything beautiful about Europe in one nifty locale. Ours (which was under a tent because of all the snow we've been getting) offered Christmas trees, chocolate, patisseries, warm wine and more; and allowed artisans to set up booths with their goods.
I absolutely love and cherish the emphasis here on homemade. It is such a breath of fresh air; reminding me of getting back to what it is really all about. I savour the delicious creativity and uniqueness.
People flock to various markets all across Europe, and not just here in Belgium. People do their Christmas shopping there and enjoy walking around with friends and family.
Travel agencies are still pretty predominant here and locally offered various day trips by bus to Christmas markets in Germany, France, Luxembourg, and Belgium. We had signed up for several we were really excited about - but all were cancelled due to the blizzard. My mother (back home in the good ol' U-S-of-A) says it even made the news there. It's the most snow we've seen in more than a 100 years. It just wouldn't stop snowing.
All we had on us was an iPhone so the pics aren't that great - but here you can get a taste of what I'm talking about...
Despite being amidst an IVF cycle, we still managed to enjoy ourselves this Holiday season. My first Christmas living in Belgium...
One of the best things about Europe for me is the delicious wines and champagne - so it really stunk to not be able to partake. We did, however, enjoy seeing family in Kortrijk - that's in Northern Belgium or 'Flanders', where my husband was born. And as always, we did a lot of marvelous eating. That's one American stereotype about Belgium that definitely pans out with my in-laws. They take their food very seriously. I think we eat gourmet here more than not (which by the way, Food and Wine just came out with their list of top recipes of all time - I just love that magazine. And their website is the best - I weekly turn to it for quick meal ideas. All of which are scrumptiously divine...They have a great search engine on their site where you can even plug in an ingredient (not sure what to do with that bag of carrots in the crisper?), and voilà! appears countless ideas....)...
In addition to the fine wines and food, I also really love the Christmas markets (referred to here as marchés de Noël).
I absolutely love and cherish the emphasis here on homemade. It is such a breath of fresh air; reminding me of getting back to what it is really all about. I savour the delicious creativity and uniqueness.
Travel agencies are still pretty predominant here and locally offered various day trips by bus to Christmas markets in Germany, France, Luxembourg, and Belgium. We had signed up for several we were really excited about - but all were cancelled due to the blizzard. My mother (back home in the good ol' U-S-of-A) says it even made the news there. It's the most snow we've seen in more than a 100 years. It just wouldn't stop snowing.
All we had on us was an iPhone so the pics aren't that great - but here you can get a taste of what I'm talking about...
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
My medicine cabinet
I don't know how much more of this I can take...I'm honestly starting to worry about the 'C' word...
Here's a doozy for 'ya...What's worse? Dying young or dying childless?...
I don't have the answer to that.
When I went for my day 1 blood test the nurse told me not to lose hope - that my last IVF yielded a very good 5-day embryo that just didn't stick. She said now my goal was having the courage to continue, because it was only a matter of time. Don't you love how everyone has their little pieces of advice?
For the first time my doctors are having me use Gonal F and Menopur simultaneously. Has anyone ever done that?
I did a little research on the Internet and came across a bunch of contradictory information.. and die-hard IVF fanatics. I like to stay informed, but I think one must relinquish too much control over the whole thing and chill (meaning too much googling of the topic can't be healthy).
And what's with all the abbreviations? Honestly, if you know what BTA or BTN stands for, you need to STEP AWAY FROM THE COMPUTER.
I say that, but at the same time, it's true that you are also your own advocate. Due to various reasons for disappointment, we've changed doctors and clinics many times...and the bottom line we've drawn is that we're all a number, no matter how renowned the place is. In the end, no one will care for you and your situation as much as you do...
And at a reasonable level, I do encourage all new IVF patients to speak with IVF veterans. If I only had known all the things the 8-year journey taught me... For one, I would have been much more vigilant from the start and not taken so many long 'mental' breaks from procedures... and tried the natural methods (i.e. Chinese medicine) for such long time periods, and independent of Western Medicine...
I did read a fascinating article not too long ago on the Internet about depression and IVF. The fact that not becoming pregnant does create depression..and the depression hinders becoming pregnant. The 'ol vicious cycle. Anyway, what I'm getting at in a nutshell is be your own advocate and educate yourself, but also step away and live life, have fun. I think that'll help us all keep depression at bay and bring us more quickly to our goal.
And did I mention the nasal inhaler?
Also new, I'm having to snort 'Suprefact' every 3 hours until the egg retrieval. I'm having to alternate nostrils, because it will evidently make my nose extremely sore and sensitive.
Lovely.
That's a nice Christmas gift. (By the way, IVF at Christmas should it make it pretty apparent we are desperately fighting the clock - no time to waste. That includes major Holidays.)
Anyway, as for a Suprefact quick tip, to help me stay on top of each 3-hour toll and which nostril gets the goodies, I bought a cheap digital watch with an alarm. I alternate wrists to let me know which side is up...
Meanwhile, occupying myself with trying to figure out how to make labels/learn Photoshop. Not easy breezy! And planning on launching my Belgian vintage store mission as soon as this snow storm the country is enduring passes....cooped up like Jack Nicholson in the Shining probably doesn't help matters.
So I must go tend to my eggs. Adzuki beans and seaweed await me...
Friday, December 17, 2010
IVF #3
So as it turns out, I'm not one of those girls. At least not this time anyway.
I'm going to have to head out for the hospital in a bit to draw blood and get my meds.
IVF #3. Oh yeah.
I think maybe my sixth or 7th treatment using injectables. That can't be good...
We're in a snow storm, so I'm going to have to take the train and hope I'm not stuck at the hospital. What's an IVF without a little extra dose of added-drama???
Meanwhile, I've been working on my baby skincare design. Here's the banner I've come up with so far:
What do you think? Feedback can't hurt.
I want something fun, playful -- with added design that many kids' products lack. Hygiene should be effective - but playful and aesthetic as well, non?
Probably no coincidence that I'm launching the baby line first. Self-inflicted torture or a positive, self-fulfilling prophecy? I hope the latter.
I have a story behind this project. I'll tell it one day.
I've been making baby balms, powders, lotions, lip sticks...and some jewelry.
For now, I leave you with what I used as inspiration.
I'm going to have to head out for the hospital in a bit to draw blood and get my meds.
IVF #3. Oh yeah.
I think maybe my sixth or 7th treatment using injectables. That can't be good...
We're in a snow storm, so I'm going to have to take the train and hope I'm not stuck at the hospital. What's an IVF without a little extra dose of added-drama???
Meanwhile, I've been working on my baby skincare design. Here's the banner I've come up with so far:
What do you think? Feedback can't hurt.
I want something fun, playful -- with added design that many kids' products lack. Hygiene should be effective - but playful and aesthetic as well, non?
Probably no coincidence that I'm launching the baby line first. Self-inflicted torture or a positive, self-fulfilling prophecy? I hope the latter.
I have a story behind this project. I'll tell it one day.
I've been making baby balms, powders, lotions, lip sticks...and some jewelry.
For now, I leave you with what I used as inspiration.
Thursday, December 16, 2010
Pumpkin Pie
Excellent Pumpkin Pie Recipe from ol' Faithful (that'd be "Food & Wine")
INGREDIENTS
All-Butter Pie Dough
4 large eggs
3/4 cup sugar
1 tablespoon cornstarch
2 teaspoons cinnamon
1/4 teaspoon cloves
Pinch of salt
One 15-ounce can pumpkin puree
1/2 cup heavy cream
DIRECTIONS
Preheat the oven to 350°. On a lightly floured surface, roll out the pie dough to a 13-inch round a scant 1/4 inch thick. Fit the dough into a 9-inch glass pie plate and trim the overhang to 3/4 inch. Fold the dough under itself and crimp decoratively; refrigerate the pie shell for 10 minutes.
Line the pie shell with foil and fill with pie weights or dried beans. Bake in the center of the oven until nearly set, about 25 minutes. Remove the foil and weights and bake until the crust is pale golden, about 10 minutes. Let cool slightly.
In a medium bowl, whisk the eggs with the sugar, cornstarch, cinnamon, cloves and salt until smooth. Whisk in the pumpkin puree, then the cream. Working near the oven, pour the filling into the crust. Bake for about 45 minutes, until the custard is set. Let the pie cool on a rack.
This is called their 'Classic Pumpkin Pie Recipe'.
It's easy-breezy and oh-so delicious.
We've already had much success with it...although instead of using canned pumpkin puree, we baked a real pumpkin (felt it made it more special).
Don't let that scare you - using your own pumpkin is also easy-breezy!
All you need to do is cut your pumpkin right in half horizontally. Clean out the stringy goo (need not remove it all - just the outer-layer) and seeds (takes about a minute) and put each half face down in a tall rimmed baking sheet filled with about an inch of water (you want to steam the pumpkin's insides to make it soft).
Baking times will vary depending on how big your pumpkin is, but for a medium size, it's about 45 minutes at 350 degrees F (180 celsius). You just want the pumpkin to be mushy so it's easy to scoop out the insides with a spoon. Also - if the water disintegrates, add more. You want water to always be on the bottom of the baking sheet. Careful opening your oven - it'll be steam bath in there!
Once it's mushy, scoop it out and voilà! You've got your pumpkin puree!
If you use fresh pumpkin, you should probably at least double the amount of pumpkin called for. You just want the mixture good and thick. If you have the kind of pumpkin that yields lots of strings, give the mixture a quick go with a hand mixer to reduce those strings and thicken up your mixture.
As for the pie crust, we did 'cheat' and bought one ready made..but hey! We're in Europe and pastries are much better :) - that includes ready made. This pumpkin itself is so good, you won't miss a homemade crust if you don't feel up for it.
P.S. You can't find pumpkin pie here...and nobody knows what it is. Nobody I've asked anyway.
So today is really an emotional day. I didn't want to start off being lonely and needy, so the recipe was my attempt at being upbeat.
When I have those, the smallest things rattle me. Like the 'About Me' section of this blog. I can't figure out how to insert a break so that a minimal amount of text appears on the 'home page' - and the rest appears after the jump....does anyone know how to do that?
I haven't started my period. Perhaps an un-kosher thing to say for those who haven't been through infertility.
Discussing blood, mucus, intercourse...it becomes very matter-of-fact during the journey. Heck I can be in a room with doctors butt naked and not be phased..well maybe I'm still a little phased.
In America they would at least give you a blanket or that white paper stuff you sit on at the doctor's office to cover yourself. I mean honestly, modesty is still golden, no matter what your plight.
That hasn't been the case for us so far here.
Our IVF clinic (it's in a hospital) is located in Brussels. You have a small room where you are told to undress waste down and then traverse the door that opens to the room with the doctor and his assistants on the other side. They don't give you a gown or that handy, white paper. The only thing in the small changing room is a box of square wipees. The first time I actually envisioned myself using one as frontal camouflage as I entered the room. Then I laughed at the thought of that scene - the 'American' I would have been- and reconsidered. I took a deep breath, turned the knob, and proudly (?) let my assets flap in the breeze.
Anyway, the process desensitizes you.
So now I'm late (a little) and I'm sick of the emotional roller coaster. Always wondering (daydreaming) if maybe I'm finally going to be one of those women you always hear about (you know what I'm talking about - the ones that mysteriously become pregnant naturally after years of medical intervention). It takes its toll.
Then there's the other side of the coin. I've always had a 28-day cycle. Lately that hasn't been the case - some times it's shorter, some times longer. So then I start worrying that I'm either entering early-menopause or my body is being destroyed by all these drugs. As it is, since I've been using fertility drugs, I've become allergic to just about every skin care product you can buy (that includes organic, high end, sensitive, allergic skin etc. ). It all gives me a rash and itches like hell. Prior IVF, I've never had one iota of a health care concern my entire life. Healthy as a horse...
I went to the weekly market this morning trying to ingest a dose of the 'happy pill'..but I'm not quite there.
I bought some pumpkins to make the pies (making them as gifts for the only people I kinda know here - my acupuncturist, my yoga instructor, and my swim coach - oh, and a requirement from my Southern upbringing, I'm making one for the neighbor). Oh how pathetic that looks in print - my only entourage are people helping me try to conceive...
Meandering throughout the marché, I rationalised profoundly... You know, thought about how precious life is and how I have so much to be thankful for. I should be happy and positive...not this sourpuss I've become. But I can't seem to change...just like I can't seem to make myself pregnant.
I'm in need. I think as soon as these pies are baked, it's time for a creativity session.
INGREDIENTS
All-Butter Pie Dough
4 large eggs
3/4 cup sugar
1 tablespoon cornstarch
2 teaspoons cinnamon
1/4 teaspoon cloves
Pinch of salt
One 15-ounce can pumpkin puree
1/2 cup heavy cream
DIRECTIONS
Preheat the oven to 350°. On a lightly floured surface, roll out the pie dough to a 13-inch round a scant 1/4 inch thick. Fit the dough into a 9-inch glass pie plate and trim the overhang to 3/4 inch. Fold the dough under itself and crimp decoratively; refrigerate the pie shell for 10 minutes.
Line the pie shell with foil and fill with pie weights or dried beans. Bake in the center of the oven until nearly set, about 25 minutes. Remove the foil and weights and bake until the crust is pale golden, about 10 minutes. Let cool slightly.
In a medium bowl, whisk the eggs with the sugar, cornstarch, cinnamon, cloves and salt until smooth. Whisk in the pumpkin puree, then the cream. Working near the oven, pour the filling into the crust. Bake for about 45 minutes, until the custard is set. Let the pie cool on a rack.
This is called their 'Classic Pumpkin Pie Recipe'.
It's easy-breezy and oh-so delicious.
We've already had much success with it...although instead of using canned pumpkin puree, we baked a real pumpkin (felt it made it more special).
Don't let that scare you - using your own pumpkin is also easy-breezy!
All you need to do is cut your pumpkin right in half horizontally. Clean out the stringy goo (need not remove it all - just the outer-layer) and seeds (takes about a minute) and put each half face down in a tall rimmed baking sheet filled with about an inch of water (you want to steam the pumpkin's insides to make it soft).Baking times will vary depending on how big your pumpkin is, but for a medium size, it's about 45 minutes at 350 degrees F (180 celsius). You just want the pumpkin to be mushy so it's easy to scoop out the insides with a spoon. Also - if the water disintegrates, add more. You want water to always be on the bottom of the baking sheet. Careful opening your oven - it'll be steam bath in there!
Once it's mushy, scoop it out and voilà! You've got your pumpkin puree!
If you use fresh pumpkin, you should probably at least double the amount of pumpkin called for. You just want the mixture good and thick. If you have the kind of pumpkin that yields lots of strings, give the mixture a quick go with a hand mixer to reduce those strings and thicken up your mixture.
As for the pie crust, we did 'cheat' and bought one ready made..but hey! We're in Europe and pastries are much better :) - that includes ready made. This pumpkin itself is so good, you won't miss a homemade crust if you don't feel up for it.
P.S. You can't find pumpkin pie here...and nobody knows what it is. Nobody I've asked anyway.
So today is really an emotional day. I didn't want to start off being lonely and needy, so the recipe was my attempt at being upbeat.
When I have those, the smallest things rattle me. Like the 'About Me' section of this blog. I can't figure out how to insert a break so that a minimal amount of text appears on the 'home page' - and the rest appears after the jump....does anyone know how to do that?
I haven't started my period. Perhaps an un-kosher thing to say for those who haven't been through infertility.
Discussing blood, mucus, intercourse...it becomes very matter-of-fact during the journey. Heck I can be in a room with doctors butt naked and not be phased..well maybe I'm still a little phased.
In America they would at least give you a blanket or that white paper stuff you sit on at the doctor's office to cover yourself. I mean honestly, modesty is still golden, no matter what your plight.
That hasn't been the case for us so far here.
Our IVF clinic (it's in a hospital) is located in Brussels. You have a small room where you are told to undress waste down and then traverse the door that opens to the room with the doctor and his assistants on the other side. They don't give you a gown or that handy, white paper. The only thing in the small changing room is a box of square wipees. The first time I actually envisioned myself using one as frontal camouflage as I entered the room. Then I laughed at the thought of that scene - the 'American' I would have been- and reconsidered. I took a deep breath, turned the knob, and proudly (?) let my assets flap in the breeze.
Anyway, the process desensitizes you.
So now I'm late (a little) and I'm sick of the emotional roller coaster. Always wondering (daydreaming) if maybe I'm finally going to be one of those women you always hear about (you know what I'm talking about - the ones that mysteriously become pregnant naturally after years of medical intervention). It takes its toll.
Then there's the other side of the coin. I've always had a 28-day cycle. Lately that hasn't been the case - some times it's shorter, some times longer. So then I start worrying that I'm either entering early-menopause or my body is being destroyed by all these drugs. As it is, since I've been using fertility drugs, I've become allergic to just about every skin care product you can buy (that includes organic, high end, sensitive, allergic skin etc. ). It all gives me a rash and itches like hell. Prior IVF, I've never had one iota of a health care concern my entire life. Healthy as a horse...
I went to the weekly market this morning trying to ingest a dose of the 'happy pill'..but I'm not quite there.
I bought some pumpkins to make the pies (making them as gifts for the only people I kinda know here - my acupuncturist, my yoga instructor, and my swim coach - oh, and a requirement from my Southern upbringing, I'm making one for the neighbor). Oh how pathetic that looks in print - my only entourage are people helping me try to conceive...
Meandering throughout the marché, I rationalised profoundly... You know, thought about how precious life is and how I have so much to be thankful for. I should be happy and positive...not this sourpuss I've become. But I can't seem to change...just like I can't seem to make myself pregnant.
I'm in need. I think as soon as these pies are baked, it's time for a creativity session.
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